


carry my love to you

by retts



Series: Great Good Fine OK [7]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Allusions to Suicide, Angst, Established Relationship, Even is not alone, Isak taking care of Even, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Supportive Kollektivet, Timestamp, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 23:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9520067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retts/pseuds/retts
Summary: Even grasped the top of the duvet and dragged it over his shoulders, snuggling into the pillow. His eyes were closed as he let out a soft sigh. Isak brushed back the fringe falling across his forehead, ran his fingers through the hair behind his ear. He wanted to erase the bruises under Even's eyes, kiss away the inexplicable sadness lingering on the corners of his mouth. If only it were that easy.Set directly after ep 9, Fredag (O Helga Natt)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this thing for a few days, wondering if I should post it. I wanted to write this scene in Isak's perspective (or how I think it went in Isak's perspective) and show how confused he probably still was, plagued with doubts despite running after Even and saving him. I love that entire clip so much, you have no idea. But the thing is, I also wanted to write a little bit of Even in this state with as much respect as possible. I've been having a lot of thoughts about Even when he's manic or depressed, and I know there's a conversation going on about how people write him like that, but I think I will not be writing anything in his POV when he has an episode because I won't be able to do it right. It's a serious, misunderstood issue and it's not something you just research and author-hand wave your way through. There are others who can do so much better, who will be able to write it with sensitivity and respect and proper knowledge. So yeah. I hope this one's okay too, though.

 

_He's here._

It was like taking his first breath after an eternity underwater. Even's cheek was cold. He smelled like the winter air. Nuzzling closer, Isak caught the faint hint of Even's scent, sweet and spicy and sorely missed. He let out a shaky exhale and pressed his lips to Even's cheek. _He's here._ Isak kept his eyes closed and listened to Even's unsteady breaths, felt Even tremble against him. Or maybe that was Isak. Both of them. It didn't matter as Isak held the other boy tighter. Even was here, and he was safe; the relief was so acute that it was painful. Isak never wanted to let him go but was eventually forced to as the rain started falling harder and the chill crept into the unprotected places between their clothes.

Isak pulled back until he could look at the other boy. Even looked beaten. His eyes were pink and shadowed with exhaustion. There was a fragility in those blue eyes that wrenched at Isak's heart because he had never imagined seeing Even so defenceless before; had _never_ thought that Even had walls so high that he'd trapped himself in it and kept Isak out.

'Do you want to go back to my place?' asked Isak, voice barely above a whisper. Anything louder would break the gossamer silence around them. He grasped the sides of Even's outer hoodie and tugged it forward to keep him dry. 'Or I'll drop you at home if you want to.'

Even took a while to answer. He gave a small shake of his head, leaning closer into Isak; their noses kissed. 'Your place, if that's okay.'

Isak gave a lopsided smile; he didn't want to let Even out of his sight yet (or ever). 'That's very okay,' Isak reassured him. He took Even's hands in his own, squeezing and rubbing warmth back into them. Their breaths misted in front of them, and Isak shivered when an icy trail of rainwater dripped down the back of his neck. He pulled his hoodie up over his head. Even watched every move he made but said nothing. Isak took one of his hands again, tangling their fingers, and drew Even forward for a soft kiss. Their lips were cold, but Isak did it again just to _feel_ Even. He pressed their foreheads together.

He exhaled. 'Okay, let's go.'

 

 

 

Laughter rang loudly from the inside of the apartment, and Isak cursed when he remembered that his roommates were staying in for once on a Friday. He'd forgotten to text them on the taxi ride over that he was bringing Even home, too intent on Even to bother with anything else. He didn't want them to overwhelm Even, or make him feel like he had to interact with people if he didn't want to. Isak had no idea what he was doing, exactly, but he figured he should give Even time to rest before dealing with everything else. He looked faded, like the life had been drained out of him. Isak kept a firm grip on Even's hand as he opened the front door, bracing himself.

'Isak!' Eskild called from the sofa, waving his beer when he caught sight of him. 'You're back early! How was the concert? How was your mum and dad? Did it go...ahhhhhhh...' His eyes widened when he saw Even shuffle in behind Isak. 'Oh, what a pleasant surprise. Hey, Even!'

'Hey,' murmured Even, too quiet to be heard over the television.

'Yeah, uh,' Isak interrupted as he pushed his hoodie off his head and ran a hand through his hair, sneaking a sideways glance at Even who seemed to huddle deeper into his fortress of hoodies. 'We're kind of soaked, so we'll just go to my room and change.'

'Sure, you can join us here after if you want,' said Eskild, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 'We totally won't pry or whatever. Right, guys?'

Linn elbowed Eskild in the side.

'Uh, I think we'll just stay in my room. Please don't bother us.' Isak led Even across the lounge and towards his bedroom. Once inside, Isak flicked on the lights and went straight to his closet, grabbing a few shirts and sweatpants. 'Here, baby, you can wear these.' He dropped the clothes on the bed and yanked off his own jacket and jumper, shivering when his wet hair dripped on the back of his neck. He rubbed his fingers through his hair in an attempt to dislodge some of the raindrops, then quickly changed into something warm and dry. Isak shook his hair out and glanced at Even through messy curls. Walking over to him, Isak helped Even unzip his jacket and tug off all his layers, fingers raking through Even's blond hair to push it back from his face. Isak placed his hands on Even's bare shoulders and rubbed his thumbs over his clavicles. Even was warm under his palms. He usually ran hot -- Isak loved to hold his hands because of that, or cuddle in close and push his face into the curve of his shoulder -- but at the same time Even felt the cold more keenly. His skin pimpled from the chill, and Isak slid his arms around Even's back and hugged him tight. Even huffed into Isak's ear, angling his face closer. After a week of silence, of confusion and anxiety and misery, it was fucking amazing to have this again.

Dropping a kiss on the knob of Even's shoulder, Isak drew back and snagged the black shirt off the bed and tugged it down over Even, hands smoothing the fabric across the other boy's chest. He looked into Even's eyes and they were different, somehow. Same bright blue but empty, dull. Disengaged. Isak gently touched the corner of Even's eye, thumb tracing the shadows under it.

'Are you sleepy? Or do you want to eat?' asked Isak. 'There's probably, uh, like bread or something in the kitchen.'

Even shook his head. 'I'm not hungry.'

 _When was the last time you ate? When was the last time you slept? Do you hurt yourself? What can I do?_ Isak swallowed the questions down and nodded. 'Okay but I'll go get you a glass of water for later. I'll be back, yeah? Um.' Isak rubbed at his nose and looked around. 'Just, uh, get on the bed if you want to sleep. Don't worry about your clothes, I'll take care of them. I'll be right back, hmmm?'

Isak closed the door behind him and slumped against it, his heart lodging up in his throat. The enormity of the situation was suddenly hitting him: Isak knew fuck all about this. He'd done research, read up on articles about the support you can give, but he didn't feel prepared. Isak had been thinking about this all week. There was no question that he wanted to be in a relationship with Even, but could he do it? The answer had been _yes_ , and it had been a very emphatic _fuck yes_ earlier tonight, running through the frozen streets to get to Even, but now reality was setting in. This was a huge responsibility, one that Isak had to take seriously. He couldn't just change his mind in the middle if things got tough, and it _would_ get tough. What if he was just like his dad, abandoning his mum when she needed him (them) the most? The idea of leaving Even seemed impossible but was it? Or maybe it would be the other way around. Even could walk out on his own. Isak was probably going to fuck this up like everything else, clueless and clumsy as he was.

Isak realised he was gripping the door handle hard enough to bite into his palm and let go, heart thrumming with panic. He couldn't back down now, not after what he'd promised Even. Could he? Isak tugged on his hair and swore under his breath. He didn't have the answers. Never did.

But he knew who could help him. He chewed nervously on his bottom lip and went back to the lounge, steps hesitating as he drew nearer. Linn was throwing candy wrappers at Eskild, sometimes hitting Noora who sighed in resignation.

Noora noticed him first, and she brushed off the pink plastic clinging to her hair. 'Hey Isak, come to join us? Where's Even?'

'No, um. Even's in my room. He's sleeping. Or I'm not sure if he's even going to sleep.' Isak licked his lips and grabbed at the bottom of his shirt. 'Actually, I wanted to ask you guys something.'

'Yes, safe sex is very important,' said Eskild promptly. Linn rolled her eyes and gave him a look.

'No!' Isak cringed, uncertain. 'Seriously, okay?'

The three of them exchanged weighted glances. 'Shoot,' said Eskild as he sat up straight.

'Okay,' said Noora, picking up the remote and pausing the film.

'You're not gonna ask us all the way from over there, right?' asked Linn.

Isak shuffled forward and gingerly sat down on the coffee table. He cracked his knuckles and stared down at them. Thoughts tumbled over themselves in his head.

Eskild broke the silence. 'Everything alright? Is this about Even?'

'Yeah, I just -- ' Isak blew out a breath and hesitated, wondering if he should tell them, or how he was going to tell them. Isak wanted to protect Even, and he wasn't sure how Even would feel if Isak shared something this private to other people, but Isak was alone in this. Isak needed help and if Even got mad, then he would genuinely apologise. Isak hoped Even wouldn't be angry, though.

'Isak?'

Isak raised his gaze to look at them. 'I think Even is depressed right now. That's part of being Bipolar, right? He can be manic or depressed or hypomanic. And I know there are different types but I don't know which one he has yet. He, he sent me a text during the concert, apologising and stuff, and at first I thought it was fine, but then I realised that it sounded like -- I mean, I suddenly remembered -- ' The fact was, Isak wasn't sure if Even had planned on making it sound like a suicide letter or if it had just come off that way, but Isak hadn't been willing to take that chance. That was one of the many things they needed to talk about someday. Soon. 'Anyway, I met up with Even in school and told him he wasn't alone. And it's true, right? He has me; it's true.'

Isak thought about the look on Even's face when he'd said those words, heavy with disbelief and longing and fear. Thought about Even coming out of the school, head down and dejected. How Isak had sprinted across the city, scared down to the bone and hoping and praying that he was fucking wrong; and if he wasn't, that he wouldn't be too late. Finally, Isak thought about just Even: the moles on his cheeks, the curl of his eyelashes, the softness of his lips, the tip of his nose brushing against Isak's own, his smile, his laugh, the way he touched his tongue to the side of his mouth, the sound of his voice saying "halla", the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, his pout, the feel of his hands on Isak's body, the fact that he was so cool but also a giant nerd at the same time, how romantic he was, his fondness for films, his weird drawings, the brightness he brought with him wherever he went.

'I just don't know what to do,' Isak confessed, looking at Eskild and Noora and Linn with wide eyes. 'What if I fuck it up? I didn't even know something was wrong and -- what if I do something to make it worse for him?' Isak remembered, suddenly, when he had told Even about his mum and how he was better off without mentally ill people in his life. The next day, Even had broken his heart. Fuck.

'You don't have to be with him, Isak,' Eskild told him gently but firmly, looking like he wanted to reach across and hug Isak. 'No one will blame you. If you're not ready, or if, if you have doubts then -- '

The thing was, it was never a question about Isak wanting to be with Even, but whether Even wanted to be with _him_.

'No, I mean, I want to be with him. I do. It's just, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. I'm _me_ and I'll fuck it up, I know it.' The more he thought about it, the more convinced he became. Isak was bad for Even. He'd just keep hurting the other boy. He'd say or do the wrong thing again and next time things might not turn out like it did tonight. Panic and despair prickled at him until he had to bite down hard on his lip. Isak crossed his arms and stared down at his socked feet, trying not to cry.

Noora placed a hand on Isak's arm and squeezed lightly. Isak looked at her through his eyelashes. Her expression was soft and kind and a bit of her calmness seeped into him. 'No one expects you to know everything right away, Isak,' she said. 'I bet even Even doesn't know what to do most of the time. There's no perfect way to be in any relationship, either with someone who's Bipolar or not. You just have to learn together. And it won't happen overnight. It will be an ongoing thing but you will learn.' She gave a wry grin. 'I know I might not seem like the best person to say these things, considering I left my own boyfriend in a different country, but trust me. Nobody knows what they're doing.'

'Nobody knows what they're doing _ever_ ,' added Eskild.

'He doesn't need to know that yet,' chided Noora.

The corner of Isak's mouth curled up in a small smile.

Linn bent forward and caught Isak's gaze, her own very intent. 'But Isak, you have to be sure you're doing this because you want to and not because you feel you have to, or that you're just feeling guilty or something. That's the absolute worse thing you can do.'

Isak ran a hand through his fringe, biting the corner of his lip. 'Yeah, I know. I'm just not used to this. Taking care of someone or, I mean, it's more like wanting to fix the world for him, you know?'

'It's called being in love,' said Eskild, ruffling Isak's hair. Isak huffed and ducked away. The older boy smiled, fond. 'And you know you can't really fix this, right?'

'I know, I know. Yeah. _Fuck_.' Isak rubbed his face with his palms. He took a deep breath and looked at his roommates. 'Thanks,' he said. He knew that they knew how much their support meant to him.

'Welcome to the grown up world,' said Eskild a little sadly.

 

 

 

Isak paused in front of his bedroom door, resting his forehead against it for a few moments. Even was on the other side, waiting for him to come back. Isak only had the vaguest idea of what he was getting himself into and it was terrifying. It was going to be terrifying for a while, especially since Isak knew exactly what (who) he was going to lose if he messed up. He meant what he'd said: he wanted to stay with Even. He couldn't imagine his life without Even taking up considerable space in it anymore, whether as best friend or boyfriend. Even lit him up on the inside. He made the whole world come alive while at the same time made it fade into the background whenever they were together. He could tell Even anything and be taken seriously; have conversations about vast and grand concepts that would sound ridiculous to other people. Right now, Isak simply wanted to hold Even's hand and lie down next to him.

Isak was certain of his decision but was also scared out of his fucking mind. _If I'm feeling like this_ , _imagine what Even must be going through,_ Isak told himself. His hand tightened on the door handle and he pushed it open.

The first thing that struck him was the silence. Even always made noise, little hmm's and ahh's and huhhh's as he puttered about the room. Not today.

The next thing was the stillness. Even when he wasn't moving, there was still something incredibly animated about his face: the flick of his eyebrows, the curl and pout of his mouth, the twitch of his cheeks -- but not today.

It was unnerving to see Even so quiet and withdrawn, a different side of the boy he loved that left Isak feeling wrong-footed and clumsy. He didn't know how to deal with Even when he was depressed, just like he wouldn't know how to handle him if he was manic, but Isak vowed to learn. Noora was right about that. The first chance he got, Isak was going to ask Even how they were going to do this.

But that was for later.

Right now there was only Even sat on the edge of the bed, looking smaller and younger than Isak had ever seen him and like he didn't know if he was welcome to stay. That, at least, Isak could do something about. He padded over to Even's side and put down the glass of water on the nearby bookcase. Turning around, Isak trailed his fingers down Even's face and kissed his forehead before he carefully climbed up on the bed and slipped under the blankets. The other boy twisted sideways to watch him. Isak rolled onto his side and drew back one corner of the duvet. Reaching across the bed, Isak brushed his fingers against the back of Even's hand. 'Baby, come lie down with me,' invited Isak, knowingly echoing what he'd said at the hotel room. 'We should get some rest.' He smiled warmly, patiently. His thumb traced the delicate bones of Even's wrist. Blue eyes flickered all over Isak's face, studying him, searching for any sign of discomfort or displeasure. Isak knew he wouldn't find any, and his heart ached something fierce when Even still hesitated before finally giving a small nod and settling down next to him.

Even grasped the top of the duvet and dragged it over his shoulders, snuggling into the pillow. His eyes were closed as he let out a soft sigh. Isak brushed back the fringe falling across his forehead, ran his fingers through the hair behind his ear. He wanted to erase the bruises under Even's eyes, kiss away the inexplicable sadness lingering on the corners of his mouth. If only it were that easy.

'Goodnight,' Isak whispered into the quiet between them. Isak was tired, too. There were still traces of the fear and adrenaline from earlier, now curdled into anxiety simmering low in his belly. It was an echo of what he'd felt for the past week, but there was also an underlying current of determination that hadn't been there before. From the beginning, it had been Even who'd led Isak through the first steps of their relationship; fearlessly, Isak had thought, but looking back, he could now see the moments Even had pushed through his fear to take a chance on Isak. It was humbling to know how much he had affected Even; that underneath his cool, suave demeanour was just another boy who'd been afraid of the feelings brewing inside him.

They'd fallen in love hard and fast, hurt each other, ran away, and lost. But despite everything, when it had all seemed hopeless, Isak and Even managed to find their way back to each other. Even gripped Isak's hand back, eyelashes fluttering open to look at Isak with a gaze still opaque, still lost. Isak could barely breathe around the fierce protectiveness in his chest. It was Isak's turn to be there for him.

Even licked his lips and quietly said, 'I kept thinking that if I went to sleep, I would just wake up alone. Again. You wouldn't be there and my life hasn't changed. Will it be the same when I open my eyes later?' He blinked slowly, mouth pursing. 'I don't ever want to sleep.'

And Isak understood him perfectly because he'd spent the last week imagining Even regretting him in every way possible until Isak was nothing more than a bad decision he'd once made when sick, to be forgotten and tucked away in the dregs of memory. Isak thought about Even's text message, how he could still faintly hear a haunting song in the air. What if it had been too late in some other parallel universe? No Even beside him, weary but still stubbornly clinging to wakefulness. No chance to make things right, to try again. To be happy.

The idea sent a shiver down Isak's spine, though it was warm in his bed with the reality of Even in this world lying right next to him. He shifted closer to the other boy, soaking up his presence, staring at his face in gratitude. It was a miracle that when one of them had reached out, the other had answered just in time. Again.

'We'll fall asleep together this time,' answered Isak, meeting Even's dull gaze without flinching, 'so when we wake up, we'll both be surprised that we're still here.' He reached out and touched Even's eyelids with his fingertips, gently coaxing them closed. 'Then we'll sleep again and wake up again until we start thinking we're not alone anymore, until it's no longer a surprise to see each other.'

_And I'll show you I'll stay. I'll show you I love you the way you are. Then I'll tell you._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback (kudos, comments, bookmarks, constructive criticism) makes me happy <3


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